Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
