I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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