I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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