last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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