I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
