Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
