My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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