She is in my trunk
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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