It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
