I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i've created a new STD.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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