No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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