I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
