I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
