I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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