So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
