1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
