My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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