i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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