Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
