So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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