I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
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