Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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