My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
