C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm at about main and main street
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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