I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
