well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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