this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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