i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
