and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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