just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
two words...techno handjob
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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