It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
