He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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