I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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