you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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