Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
