YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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