Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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