Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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