She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
