Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Screwed.edu
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
