I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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