it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
