90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
