it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
