What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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