I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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