i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
