Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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