please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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