I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
