forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
