you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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